Jessica is a resident at Amy’s Place, our recovery house for young women. This is her story.
“I’m very proud of myself. Because I’d never been someone who felt brave or able to push themselves forward. I had no confidence whatsoever unless I was using drugs or alcohol. I would always hide from the world.
I know it sounds crazy but I’d even use drugs just to go to the shop. Either that or I’d wait until it was dark, so fewer people could see me. At least that was the plan. I didn’t like being noticed. In a way I just didn’t want to ‘be’.
I can’t tell you why I felt like this. But ever since I was a teenager, I’d feel really anxious and awkward and I didn’t like myself at all. I’d do anything to hide from my anxiety. I think that explains why I used drugs and drank.
But now I don’t hide. I’ve learned to deal with the world, and to find ways of coping with stress or worries that don’t require chemicals. I’ve learned to be less hard on myself and to breathe. Amy’s Place has really helped me with that.
When I first came here, I would go to the morning checkin’s and I’d be very solitary. I didn’t socialise at the start. I said hello, but that was mostly it and afterwards I would worry that the other residents thought I was being stuck up or rude. I’d panic about it. It’s what anxiety and self esteem problems can do.
But they were so good to me. I think the other women recognised that I was new, and finding my way, and they always gave me the space I needed. I’m really grateful for that. And I’m grateful that they always invited me to things, even though they knew I was going to say no.
Looking back, it was all part of the process. And I’m glad I had the opportunity to take things at my own pace. It gave me time and space to feel comfortable in my new environment. To grow.
It really helps that this place is just for women, too. Because I’d been in places before that were mixed, and being around men when you’re starting your recovery can be really hard. I used to get so anxious, wondering if the way I was acting or the clothes I was wearing were sending the wrong signals. I worried about what the men were thinking. It was really exhausting to have to think like that, to always second guess things and to be strategic about the day ahead. It made it difficult to get well.
I’ve been at Amy’s Place for about two years now. I’m so much happier and healthier than I was. And best of all, I don’t hide like I did. I speak up in check-ins. I chat with people, I have friends. I invite people to things and accept their invitations when they invite me. I say yes, that I want to go to the park. Yes. I want to take part in an art session. I like being seen now (mostly, well around those im comfortable with). I really like being a part of things.
And sometimes, when a new resident arrives at Amy’s Place, I can see myself in them. Maybe they’re shy or nervous or withdrawn. And when that happens I do what the other women did for me. I give them space and I make sure they know they’re welcome, and wanted here.
I feel like I have changed massively since I’ve been at Amy’s Place. Honestly, I feel like a massively upgraded person. And the longer I’ve been clean and sober and supported, it’s like I’m revealing the old me too. The person I used to be, the person I knew I was always meant to be. I feel like the real me has been able to show herself at last.
‘Amy Winehouse’ and ‘Amy’ trademarks by kind permission of the Winehouse family.
Amy Winehouse Foundation. Registered charity 1143740 (England & Wales). Registered office: 5a Bear Lane, London SE1 0UH